Like most people, I feel that I am no stranger to bad luck. For me, it’s usually car trouble or sports betting (or I just suck at gambling), but I have also had my fair share of missed/cancelled/delayed flights. I am still waiting on my compensation from China Eastern Airlines for what they did to me in Shanghai over a year ago, but that’s another story for another day. With all that said, I must admit it felt somewhat satisfying when I heard the news of the Bucs’ flight to Charlotte being delayed for six-plus hours on Saturday–the day before their 1 p.m. matchup against the Panthers. It’s just good to know that people whose lives are filled with fame and fortune occasionally have to go through the same struggles as us “regular” folks.
According to reports from ESPN, the team held meetings and had a meal together in a private area of the airport with restricted access. However, the majority of their delay was spent on the tarmac, and this is where I sent my inside man to get the real scoop.
First he set out to find the newest member of the Bucs, Antonio Clown. It didn’t take long though, as he was seen being lead out of the air traffic control station in handcuffs. Apparently he took over operations and got into a fight with one of his other personalities, ultimately causing two private jets to collide. His status for this afternoon’s game remains in question.
I’d like to think this wouldn’t have happened if Tom were watching him. Where was Tom when all of this was going down? After scouring the grounds for about an hour, my source was able to track down The Goat, finding him in one of the hangers. What was he doing, you ask? You guessed it… he built a fort with Gronk and they started training to become professional wrestlers after this season is over.
No surprises here.
Where is the captain of the ship during all of this? Where is Bruce Almighty Arians?
My guy started out looking around the airport shops, as it was a safe bet that Bruce was in the market for another one of those dumb ass hats (see above). Unfortunately, those can’t be found in your regular Hudson News, so he was no where to be found. Same result for the bars, restaurants, bathrooms, customer service, baggage claim, etc. Bruce was officially a missing person. My source returned to the tarmac to gather what ever final pieces of information he could, but what he found when he got there you will not believe.
The authorities had returned to the scene, only this time they were there for the last person you’d expect to see being put into the back of a patrol car. Turns out the FBI and TSA cooperated to bust Arians for intentionally damaging the planes controls, leading to the mechanical error that caused the delay. When asked why, Bruce replied, “It was a test. I wanted to see how my team would respond in the face of adversity.”
Good job, moron. That’s a felony. So now the Bucs need a new head coach, a new WR, and should be concerned that their star quarterback and tight end have much bigger plans on their minds.
Moral of the story– HAMMER the Panthers (+5.5).