“Having Kids Sucks,” Says Every New Parent Not Named Mike Trout

You lose sleep. You lose your social life. You lose most of your five senses (I think? I don’t know?). And if you’re Mike Trout, you lose baseballs.

A lot of them.

I’m not a parent. No kids. Obviously, you can tell, because I have enough free time to write this. But from what I hear, having kids is like being locked up at Guantanamo Bay, but replace the waterboarding with Frozen movies. Sure, having kids is the greatest joy that can ever be bestowed upon a human, blah blah blah, but according to most parents, its also the worst thing they’ve ever done. But they love their kids. They just hate them. Nothing brings them more joy. But they wish they didn’t have to raise them.

Giving birth to a sweet bundle of joy is the single worst thing humans are faced with to atone for their sins.

Yeah, well, that’s apparently not the case for Mike Trout.

I think someone else wrote that “I’m Here” note for Beckham

He and his wife gave birth to a boy last weekend – Beckham Aaron Trout (of course his initials are BAT). He missed one day for paternity leave, and was like, “I’ma go back to work now.” Understandable. Meanwhile, every parent reading this is currently mumbling under their breath, “lucky.”

Since he became a dad, he’s apparently been injected with vats full of dad strength, a PED that surprisingly hasn’t been banned by baseball yet. In his first at bat back, he goes yard. Nothing too surprising for Trout. He hits baseballs over fences all the time. But doing anything impressive is definitely surprising for someone who just had their first kid a couple days prior. I have one friend who texted me three weeks after his kid was born fishing for a congratulations because he put jeans on for the first time.

As of Wednesday night, he’s hit 3 home runs in 7 at bats. THREE… IN SEVEN!!

Look, going into this, Mike Trout was universally recognized as the best player in baseball. Now he should be considered one of the best athlete in sports. Scratch that. The best parent in parenting. Mashing 3 taters in 7 at bats is hard to do for anyone, but especially someone who now has spit up stains on all of his favorite shirts.

And before you “well actually” douches come in here and say, “Well actually, the Angels have been on the road in Seattle since he returned, so he hasn’t been around the baby,” just know the point still stands. Getting out of the house to do ANYTHING in the week after your first baby is born might be the most impressive feat of this entire week for Trout.

As if Mike Trout wasn’t fair before, now he’s even more unfair. I mean that from both a baseball and a parenting perspective. Just expect a lot of baseball players to now hit up their local GNC’s to see if they can get dad strength over the counter.

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