What’s The Scariest Part of Splash Mountain: The Drop At The End Or The Boat Sinking Before You Get There?

Hurricane Isaias wasn’t the only thing causing floods in Florida this week. Apparently Splash Mountain (and we do mean splash, quite literally) had some issues of their own.

To be completely transparent here, I’ve never worked in the amusement park industry, BUT I can honestly say I would probably say the same thing to these folks. As a park employee, I’d have to imagine it was just a minor malfunction and the ride would correct itself momentarily. “Please stay seated” is just a natural reaction at that point. She probably says it in her sleep. I think the most ironic thing about all of this is that you ride in a log and as soon as they stepped out of the log, it SANK!

The employee telling people to stay on the boat remind you of anyone?

Billy Zane himself said, “God himself could not sink this ship.” I’d have to imagine this is exactly how that Disney employee felt. Let’s just say it didn’t take long for both Billy Zane and the Disney employee to learn God himself could sink the Titanic AND the Splash Mountain logs.

Why didn’t Disney tell anyone that they had planned to film the reboot of Titanic before the ride: “Ladies and Gentleman please make sure your seatbelts are fastened and your seat acts as a flotation device.” DID HE JUST SAY FLOTATION DEVICE?

If your seat does not work, you can use a floating door that – contrary to popular belief – does not have room for two people.

Luckily Disney should be in the clear because if you decided to look up Splash Mountain on their website it clearly discloses this important piece of information:

This attraction includes 950,000 gallons of water, 3 dips and a 5-story drop. Where you’re seated will determine how wet you’ll get. Riders in the back may experience a sudden splash or spray; those who opt for the front can expect to get soaked. 

I wonder if it mattered where you sat during the ride out of a scary movie. I’d also love to know which definition of “soaked” Disney is using. Soaked to me is legitimately falling into a swimming pool with your phone in your pocket. Soaked to Disney is probably standing everyday, out on your corner in the pouring rain (please forgive the outdated Maroon 5 reference). What the website fails to mention, however, is that you will potentially be swimming for your life on Splash Mountain. If one person can drown in 2 inches of water, imagine how many people can drown in 950,000 gallons of water. Splash Mountain is all fun and rides until people lose their lives.

Ok, I may have exaggerated a bit. The only people who’d be swimming for their life in water that deep would be an infant. Or Jose Altuve.

I hate to be laughing at other people’s expense but how can you not at least slap your knee a little bit? There can’t be more than 3 feet of water there. Hell, maybe not even two-and-a-half. So just a fair warning to all the parents out there if you’re ever at Disney World, avoid Splash Mountain. Literally your life (and your infant’s life) depends on it.

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