Unsolved Mysteries Is Coming Back And The Trailer Will Make You Piss Yourself

For you Zoomers who may not know what Unsolved Mysteries is, imagine the creepiest show you can think of – but then tune it down a couple notches because of mid-’90s network television regulations. That was Unsolved Mysteries. The show was legit creepy, and boy let me tell you, those mysteries were SOOOO unsolved.

The O.G. Unsolved Mysteries always came on after Rescue 911 making for one of the best 1-2 punches in television history. Rescue 911/Unsolved Mysteries walked so The Simpsons/King of the Hill could run. When that theme song came on, you knew your Underoos were about to be pissed in. Your parents would always hit you with their own verbal Surgeon General’s Warning: “Are you sure you’re ok to watch this? You’re not going to have nightmares are you?” To which you’d arrogantly answer, “No, of course not,” only to be trembling under your covers with a flashlight no more than an hour later.

Then again, I should also disclose that this is coming from a guy who would freak out watching the astronaut suit scenes from E.T., or as I call it P.T.S.D.

But whether Unsolved Mysteries would creep you out or not, you can’t deny that it has one of the most-fitting theme songs in the history of televisions. What Roundball Rock was to the NBA on NBC, this theme was for young girls from Mississippi getting abducted by maybe aliens? I still get night terrors whenever I hear this song.

So what do we have in store?

SOURCE the 12 new episodes are rooted in the experiences of ordinary people who have lived the unthinkable — from the trauma of a loved one’s unexplained disappearance or horrific death, to the shock of a bizarre paranormal encounter. Alongside detectives and journalists, family members offer clues, present theories, and identify suspects, hoping one viewer holds the key to solving the mystery. From the creators of the original docuseries, Cosgrove/Meurer Productions, and 21 Laps Entertainment, the producers of “Stranger Things.”

Oh great. So basically the same show, but with high-def cameras, better special effects, and the producers of one of the greatest sci-fi TV shows since The Twilight Zone. Gotcha. They even went ahead and hit us with episode titles:

  • Mystery on the Rooftop
  • 13 Minutes
  • House of Terror
  • No Ride Home
  • Berkshires UFO
  • Missing Witness

Here are some guesses as to what these episodes will entail…

Mystery on The Rooftop

This title could allude to anything, but I’ll tell you this: I bet this episode will take place on a rooftop, and I’m willing to bet the mystery on that rooftop is unsolved.

13 Minutes

This could be anything. The amount of time a young woman was hovering over her bed in the middle of the night, the time someone was dead before coming back to life, or the length of the intro to Succession.

House of Terror

There’s probably dead people living in those walls. Nnnnope! Next.

No Ride Home

This has to be about a young man who tried hitchhiking home, went missing for 3 years and showed back up one da with no memory of anything from the last 3 years. Either that or it’s about someone’s Uber driver’s phone dying mid-ride. Chilling.

Berkshires UFO

Would be more interested in this if it was Tom Delong’s UFO, but either way, if you hit me with an unidentified flying object, I’m watching.

Missing Witness

In the criminal justice system, unsolved based mysteries are considered especially heinous. The dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious mysteries are members of an elite squad known as the Unsolved Mysteries Unit. These are their stories.

*DUN DUN!*

Take a little court room drama and mix in some mysteries that go unsolved? Let’s do it.

All in all, I’m in. Maybe this is just Netflix tugging at my nostalgic heartstrings, but I don’t care. Now, can someone reboot Rescue 911?

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