The recent release of the NFL schedule has given us a glimmer of optimism. There’s at least a chance we’ll have football this fall. We are being told, though, that the product may not look like it has in the past. The league may pipe in crowd noise or show a virtual crowd in the stands.
My sources have now also confirmed several other ideas the league is proposing.
Once the NFL weekend has wrapped up, who hasn’t anticipated the inevitable videos of drunken fans pummeling one another while trying to navigate stadium seating? Well, the guy fighting from the low ground probably isn’t. He’s still unconscious. He hasn’t learned that fighting uphill while full of Miller Lite idea. You’ll get ‘em next time, champ!
Not wanting fans to miss out on this autumn tradition, the NFL is looking into virtual fan fighting. Fans will be able to get liquored up in the privacy of their own home and log into a Mortal Kombat style video game against fans from other cities. Complete with customizable characters! Will you choose backwards hat or bald head? Stained sweatpants or 45-inch waist cargo shorts? The choice is yours, and the options are endless. Power-ups include the Screaming Girlfriend, egging her man into a fight he doesn’t want to have and that will most likely cause him injury and arrest. Sure to be a huge hit with Niners and Eagles fans everywhere.
The Bills Mafia – celebrating their return to slightly above average football by jumping from vehicles onto tables in a display of team loyalty that will get them 4 seconds of fame and $20,000 in medical bills. Still, it was all worth it. Fans will now be able to live this experience at home. For a small fee, the NFL will deliver a card table straight to your house along with a bottle of vodka. Simply consume the vodka, put the card table in the back yard, and jump onto it from your roof. Then wake up three hours later to discover your wife has left you and the Bills lost again.
The Redskin Fan Experience is simple: simulate a real Redskin game-day experience by paying $100 to watch, $48 to drink four beers, followed by two hours after the loss of sitting in your car as you listen to sports radio callers demanding a QB change and a coach getting fired. This package also can be used for Jets and Lions fans.
Not being able to scream insults from the stands got you down? The league may have you covered. The NFL is looking into letting fans to record personalized tirades to be played from sideline speakers. For an extra fee, you can even have a member of security come over and throw you out of your own house.
This post was written by Blaise. Follow him at @BlaiseInKC.