U.S. Army Turns To Tennessee For Advice On Recruiting

KNOXVILLE — The recent wave of commits the Tennessee Volunteers football team received over the last few weeks has not only turned heads in the SEC, but it’s starting to turn heads in West Point.

“I don’t know how they’ve managed to secure some of the talent they’ve had, but I plan on making a call to [athletic director] Philip Fulmer for advice,” Major General Frank M. Muth said. “They must be doing more than just setting up card tables in school cafeterias and giving away stress balls at career fairs.”

“We’re not talking about our football program, either. We’re talking about our nation’s actual army,” the Major General said. “Tennessee has built a stable defense that we sure could use for America.”

Tennessee made a giant leap up in the recruiting rankings to #2 in the country, #1 in the SEC, and #1 amongst United States armed forces.

According to 247, the Volunteers have secured 21 players in their 2021 recruiting class, including a few 5-stars, many 4-stars, and even a 6-star, which isn’t even a thing, and yet Tennessee somehow still got one.

Meanwhile, both the Coast Guard and Rutgers have yet to sign anyone for the 2021 season.

The influx of recruits has even gotten those in Washington D.C to take notice. “Pretty soon the Vol Navy is going to be stronger than our actual Navy,” Chad Wolf, the secretary of Homeland Security said. “Tennessee’s recruiting has been so strong, if we went to war against them right now, we’d probably lose. Unless we made allies with Georgia State.”

It should be noted that the influx of recruiting has happened for the 2021 class, which means Tennessee will probably disappoint everyone for at least one more season, but after that Neyland Stadium will be the new Fort Knox(ville). This, of course, is according to literally any Tennessee fan you ask. According to reports, Tennessee’s recruiting success has led them to unveil a new slogan for the 2021 season: “Be Vol You Can Be.”

College football recruiting experts have referred to the Vols’ 2021 class as Earth-shifting, monumental, and titanic, which is good because nothing bad ever happened to the Titanic.

However, this shift in the recruiting landscape has drawn criticism and suspicion from some. “There’s no way Tennessee isn’t paying their recruits,” one rival fan said. “They’re at least paying them more than my school is offering, which isn’t fair! That’s cheating!”

When asked if he has slipped any money to Tennessee’s 2021 recruits one anonymous Tennessee booster said, “No, of course not… We’re in an era of quarantine and social distancing.” He then continued, “So I wired the money to him.” The booster added, “Look, my sportsman lodge and yacht club are closed, we’re saving money on gas by not driving, so I had to spend that money somewhere!

The booster continued, even though nobody asked him to, “Plus, it’s not like I’m gonna get my wife anything nice. I’m a booster for a college football program. Obviously I have a terrible marriage!”

There is no word yet on whether or not the U.S. Government will try and hire Jeremy Pruitt away from Tennessee, but according to one source, “We could use his persuasiveness, because trotting men in camouflage uniforms in high school cafeterias with free lanyard keychains just isn’t working the way it used to.”

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