Not sure if you noticed or not, but Roger Goodell had a random wardrobe change somewhere in the middle of the first round. Why? I’m pretty sure we’d all like to know.
That’s how I imagine foreplay goes in the Goodell household. Not that I regularly imagine how foreplay goes in the Goodell household. Ya know what? Just shut up!
Look, Goodell treated the NFL Draft like it was the Oscars, busting out a mid-show wardrobe change and it’s weird. He’s Roger Goodell. Not Mr. Rogers. Only reason he did this was because he was at home and he could. He never does this at NFL Drafts when they’re held outside of his basement.
I just don’t know why he didn’t opt for something more comfortable, rather than something more restrictive. You ever try and rock a sweater over a button-up shirt? It’s more snug than a bro hug from an NFL Draft prospect, which maybe is why he did it. But unless you have the physique of Ryan Gosling, it’s almost impossible to pull off, because it makes you look thicker than you probably already are. If Goodell was really trying to get more comfortably, he should’ve just gone the Henry Ruggs route and slipped into a damn bathrobe.
And did he think we wouldn’t notice? We noticed a kid pooping in Mike Vrabel’s war room. Of course we’d notice you ditching the blazer for a sweater. Also, what a very Massachusetts wardrobe change. Let me guess, he slipped off his penny loafers for a pair of Sperry’s too?
I tried to come up with a list of reasons why Roger Goodell would’ve had to make a change of clothes midway through the draft:
- His wife made him wear the blazer to start, even though he didn’t want to. Then midway through the draft he realized, “Wait a minute, this is a MANcave. Keyword: MAN! MY MANCAVE! And my cave, my rules! I’m wearing whatever I damn-well choose!” Then his wife yelled at him for cussing in the house to which he apologized profusely for the rest of the night.
- he spilled wine on his shirt and needed to cover it up
- this one actually makes too much sense when you consider how drunk he sounded later on in the evening.
The guy was clearly playing along with our NFL Draft Drinking Game.
- Chris Johnson hired him to kill a couple people which led him to spill a little bit of blood on his shirt.
- In an effort to really try and relate to his players, he finally got around to watching The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and decided to dress like his favorite character, Carlton. (Nevermind the fact the show went off the air 3-4 years before any of the current draftees were born).
- Really starting to believe that he killed someone
- Roger Goodell wants you to know he’s a cool pastor who can relate to what you need out of a church.
- Maybe Roger puts on a sweater every night at 11:45pm?
- Yeah, a guy on his TV crew definitely screwed something up and NOBODY screws anything up in Roger’s mancave. You hear me? NOBODY!
- Maybe he works part time as a real estate agent and needed to show a few homes right after this.
- Roger was probably like, “Let’s see what I have in my closet to make me look a little LESS trustworthy.”
- He probably went right up to the boom mic operator, knocked him to the ground, pulled out a switch blade and slit his throat, while grunting, “We do not make mistakes in this house! EVER!”
- I bet he was going camping with a bunch of venture capitalist guys after this. Because that seems like the proper attire for camping with venture capitalists.
- Wait… is Brooks Brothers an NFL sponsor?
- Once the body went lifeless, Roger began shouting orders. “Alright, you over there, help me hide this body,” he said while covered in blood. “Gosh, now I gotta go change. I’ll be right back.”
- Actually, you know what? It was probably just wine. He spilt wine.