When I watched The Last Dance, the documentary about the Chicago Bulls 1997-98 season, the other night, it just felt like everyone stuck at home during quarantine was watching along with me. And obviously, the numbers back that up as it averaged 6.5 million viewers.
However, when I watch The Bachelor: Listen To Your Heart on the very next night, I get the exact opposite feeling. Is anyone watching this show? Did anyone watch Episode 1 and thing, “Yeah, this is good enough for me to set aside two hours a week to watch?” It feels like only Bachelor die-hards (and myself) watch this thing, which honestly, I completely understand. I’ve never hated a show a more, but I continue to watch, because hashtag quarantine.
I’ll be honest. Normally, I like Bachelor/Bachelorette shows. I can even get down with the Paradise spin-off. Why? Because they’re highly comical with the amount of drama those shows produce. But this show? It just feels as manufactured and fake as these people’s autotune. Hell, sometimes this show feels cheesier than the one that airs after it, The Baker and The Beauty, which says a lot.
There are probably two main things that bug me about this show.
- I hate when people randomly start singing in public, just to show off they have a good voice. It’s probably a top 3 pet peeve of mine. And unfortunately, that’s pretty much all this show is. There’s a lot of random make-outs in this show, but honestly, I wish there were more just to keep these people’s mouths from randomly singing.
- Why the hell didn’t this show obtain the rights for Roxette’s Listen to Your Heart? They got the rights to that damn On The Wings of Love song a few years back (I know because it’s still stuck in my head), and that song sucked! Thanks for nothing, ABC.
Anyway, with all that said, let’s recap this week’s ‘sode.
This show starts off with Chris Harrison walking into the mansion and shouting for everyone to join him in the living room, like your mom calling you down for dinner. It’s a little surprising that a mansion that size doesn’t have a built-in intercom system and/or multiple living rooms that would force Harrison to be more specific about which living room he wants people to join him in, but I digress.
Chris tells everyone that since the numbers are currently even, we can’t just have people live happily ever after with only one episode. There will be new people added. And with that he pulled a date card out of his butt crack and told everyone to “Listen to your hearts.” Chris, I love you, man. And I know you probably have to say that, but I absolutely hate it every time you do.
The date card was for 21-year-old Jamie (shocker) and read, “Grab your guy, grab your guitar, and go make some beautiful music.” Cool, while she grabs her guy and guitar, I’m going to grab a fork to stick into my eyeballs.
For those keeping score, Jamie has now left the mansion twice in two episodes which is two more times than I’ve left my house in all of quarantine. Awesome. She obviously picks Trevor and the two of them go out to Venice Beach. Real talk, I know this was filmed months ago, but it still felt weird seeing people out and about on the Venice boardwalk right now. Especially after the city of LA poured sand in their skate park to keep people away.
Jamie and Trevor set up a picnic in the grass at Venice Beach next to the cigarette buts and used needles, and try to come up with a song to sing on the Venice boardwalk. Like many of you, I’ve been to the Venice boardwalk and seen some of the people playing music out there. Honestly, they could yodel and make fart noises and still be the best musicians out there.
While Jamie and Trevor talk about what song they want to sing and what wrong key they want to sing it in, back at the mansion one of the new people Chris Harrison mentioned showed up to the house.
Her name is Natascha. She’s 33-years-old (which in Bachelor years is 107) and she describes herself as an “East Coast New Yorker through-and-through,” which I assume is just a fancy way of saying she doesn’t know how to spell Natasha. When she shows up, the other girls in the house understandably get nervous. She asks if this everyone in the house, and the house tells her that two people, Jamie and Trevor, are currently on a date. To which Natascha responds, “Wait… you mean Trevor from American Idol?!” as if there’s only been one person named Trevor to ever audition on American Idol and/or exist.
Naturally, the people in the house say, “Yeah, you know him?” And Natascha explains that she knows his ex-girlfriend, adding, “I’ve heard all the things.” Which in girl talk, translates to, “He’s a sleezy scumbag and I’m about to unpack his baggage publicly.” Natascha explains that he cheated on his last girlfriend. Thine tea hath been spilt.
Also, you mean to tell me that the guy who rocked the Jed jacket last week turned out to be a cheater? SHHHHAWWWWKKKERRRRRR!!!
After singing on the Venice Boardwalk in front of no one other than a handful of diehard Bachelor fans, Trevor and Jamie move into a hot tub. Because of course. The germiest place outside of Venice boardwalk is a hot tub. As the two of them canoodle in the tub, Trevor asks Jamie about he most recent relationship to which she, again, points out that she’s been cheated on in every relationship she’s ever been in, which on the surface sounds sad, but then you realize she’s 21. So how many relationships is that? Like two? Also, Jam-Jams… can I call you Jam-Jams? When you’re asked about previous relationships, maybe don’t lead with that line. Because there’s an old saying in relationships: Cheat on me once, shame on the guy. Get cheated on every time, shame on you.
When they get back, Natascha immediately introduces herself to Trevor and Jamie. And I mean immediately. She tells Trevor that she knows him. Trevor’s like, “How do we know each other?” And Natascha says let’s go chat about it. And Trevor’s like look, lady, I just got back from Venice beach, so I want to go shower three times and lay for six hours in a tub full of hand sanitizer, so can this wait? And Natascha says, “I’d like to chat now, to be honest.”
Damn. This is where Trevor probably audibly gulped.
So Natascha copped to knowing Trevors ex, Sierra, who told her that he cheated on her. Trevor responds with, “All you know is what she has told you about our relationship.” Good point. Then he adds, “I never physically cheated on her, just so you know … I ended up, like, emotionally cheating on her.” Natascha says that’s just as bad, if not worse. Is it though? I’m legit asking. I honestly don’t know.
As Trevor’s getting verbally assaulted by Natascha, Jamie is back with the other girls in the house who tell her that Trev-man is an Astro (a cheater). She keeps her cool and goes on with her night. SIKE! She starts bawling immediately. “I told him in the hot tub I’ve been cheated on in every relationship that I’ve ever been in.” What a weird sentence to say while crying.
The next date card is addressed to Bri, the waitress from Provo, Utah, and the card reads, “Bring the guy who is at the center of your heart.” Nevermind the fact that these people have all know each other for less than 48 hours, Bri decides Chris is at the center of her heart.
Where is their one-on-one date? A romantic candle-lit dinner? One of the countless scenic mountain tops in Southern California? The Hollywood Bowl for a private dinner?
Nope, nope, and nnnnnope!
At the Guitar Center on Sunset Boulevard.
Really breaking the bank there, ABC, huh? The sign on the door literally said ‘Sorry, We’re closed,” but Bri and Chris just walked in anyway.
Bri mentioned, “Wow, there are guitars everywhere here.” She clearly must’ve thought it was a guitar full of centers rather than a center full of guitars. While inside, they sang and kissed and stuff.
In between the singing and kissing, however, Bri did casually mention that while she was wedding dress shopping, her fiancé called and told her, “Don’t buy the dress.” That is literally so sad, I can’t help but laugh. Like that’s so mean, a movie wouldn’t write that into a script. I’m really sorry for Bri. However, you knew her sharing that story was the main thing that got her onto the show, which is why you don’t see a ton of waitresses (is that the plural? waitressi? waitressen?) from the heart of Mormon country on Bachelor shows.
While Bri and Chris strum every guitar in the center, Jamie and Trevor sit down for a much-needed talk back at the house. Trevor tells her that he emotionally cheated in what looks like a hookah bar.
Trevor tells her that in his last relationship, “There was some emotional cheating. And she found some text messages with another girl.” Can we be more specific about these text messages? Did any of them involve pictures? I’m sure there were emojis involved. But like what kind? Heart eyes or egg plants? The details are important. Jamie clearly wants to keep her cheating boyfriend streak alive, so she accepts Trevor back.
This date card goes to Sheridan and the date card read, “Choose a woman you want to go public with.” So he naturally chooses Julia, who seems to be the only woman in the house remotely attracted to
Sasquatch Sheridan. Julia admits that she’s never dated a guy like Sheridan. My guess would be because most men groom themselves regularly and have proper hygiene.
Their date took them to the iHeart Radio building in Los Angeles, where they are guests on a morning radio show there, in a segment that was clearly fake – because the Bachelor wouldn’t have a couple on a live radio segment while filming to prevent *GASP!* spoilers! So knowing that the whole thing felt more awkward than it already was.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, some girls are starting to sweat a little bit. And by some girls, I mean Rudi. Who literally chewed Matt a new butthole last week, but this week is like, “Oh hey, Matt. Sorry I pretty much screamed at you last week. Anyway, how ’bout that rose?!” As the two of them make up, TWO NEW people to show up to the house. MAKE IT STOP!
If I asked you to guess – from this image – which one of these two girls got a rose this week and which one got sent home, you wouldn’t get it. Even if you had multiple guesses. The girl on the left is Mariana from Dallas and the girl on the right is Ruby from Austin. Both of these girls go hard after Brandon, who apparently is becoming the go-to guy in the house. Coulda’ fooled me.
One person who is dead-set on Brandon is Mel, who pulls Brandon aside (with a guitar) to talk about love languages. Brandon tells Mel his top love language is physical touch, to which Mel smartly responds by saying that’s the love language she struggles with the most. Oh no, what is you doin’, Mel?
Shortly after, almost as if this show was edited, a date card arrives and it goes to Savannah. The card reads “Pick the guy who’s hitting all the right notes.” So she obviously picks Brandon.
Let’s check in on Mel to see how she’s handling it.
She literally runs off to get a good cry in shortly after Savannah and Brandon walk away together.
Side note: Yes, there were FOUR one-on-one date cards this week. There are enough date cards per episode to where if you watch long enough, a producer will hand deliver a date card to your own house. It’s insane. Also, if you’re a person on this show who didn’t get a date card, that essentially means you’re terribly uninteresting. Sorry, Cheyenne.
You’re not going to believe this, but The Dresden, a “well-known jazz club,” where Brandon and Savs had dinner just so happened to have an Open Mic Night on the same evening! What are the odds?! The obviously get up and sing, blah blah blah.
The next morning, Julia realizes she’s ALSO into Brandon. Get in line, sweetheart. You and the entire population of Southern California, apparently. However, Julia is no Trevor and isn’t about to emotionally cheat on Sheridan. So she pulls hairier Jason Momoa aside and tells him that she doesn’t want to be exclusive with him, because she’d like to leave her options open to men who have shaved more than once since the Clinton administration.
This saddens Sheridan Momoa.
Chris Harrison shows up to say, “It sure seems this is working.” Even he sounded pretty shocked as he said it. This would be everyone’s last chance to lock somebody up before the rose ceremony. AKA, someobody has to get Brandon’s rose.
Mel obviously quickly pulls him aside. Now, if her goal was to try and bust out some of the most awkward flirting the English language has ever seen, then she succeeded greatly. Then she pulls Brandon in for a kiss that he was clearly forced into.
Then it was Julia’s turn. She tells him she’s still into him, to which Brandon was like, “This is news to me. I thought you were exclusively with permed-Chewbacca.” Brandon admits he’s leaning toward giving his rose to Savannah, which led Julia to say that all the girls in the house are pretty close, except for Savannah, who keeps things close to the vest. Wow, you really destroyed her with that one, Julia. Honestly, that almost makes Savannah cooler considering how weird the rest of the girls in the house are. Then Julia goes in for the smooch, which again, I’m pretty sure Brandon was forced into.
Meanwhile, Natascha has spent most of this episode spilling tea rather than picking up roses, so she said things like, “Tonight, it’s work mode,” and “Game on.” Which is always something people who want to believe in true love on dating reality shows want to hear.
She pulls Ryan aside, calls him Clark Kent (which isn’t necessarily a compliment considering every just saw Clark Kent as a nerdy journalist, and not Superman), and proceeds to suck the ever-living-soul out of him with an open mouth kiss so wide, she could’ve swallowed the mansion.
Rudi then attempts a kiss with Ryan, getting Natascha’s – and I cannot stress this enough – sloppy seconds. It does not go well as she claims to have felt nothing. So she goes back to Matt to reassure she’s got a rose.
Let’s see who these untalented musicians choose!
- Chris gives to Bri
- Trevor gives to Jamie
- Matt gives his rose to Rudi
- Ryan gives to Natascha
- Danny gives his rose to Bekah
- Brandon gives to Savannah
- Gabe (I have no idea who that is either) gives to Ruby
- Sheridan gives to… Julia (sigh.)
So the people sent home are Mel (she did not enjoy physically touching people on her way out), Mariana (who literally just got here halfway through the episode – has to be 2nd place for least amount of time ever on a Bachelor series) and Cheyenne (who clearly has to be 1st in least amount of time ever on a Bachelor series – even though she was on both episodes, I’m pretty sure we saw her face twice).
Anyway, I hate this show. But let’s all watch again next week! Hashtag quarantine life!