Remember Sports?

As I sit here in my home on day 38 of quarantine (that’s just a complete guess, I lost count after day 3), I sit back and ponder upon my life. Much like a grandpa sitting on a front porch, I, a millennial, sit here on my laptop recalling all the good time and remembering the bad. But as I think back more and more, I begin to remember a little thing called sports.

You remember these things? Sports.

They were like games that we would watch, and at times, participate in. They were quite enjoyable. Sometimes – and this might sound loony – we would watch shows that solely talked about sports. People would debate about sports. And many even partook in arguments on Twitter about sports.

But those sports left us at some point. I don’t solely remember when, but all I can tell you is Rudy Gobert.

Nowadays the thought of sports feels like a distant memory, like Tamagotchis or YIKES pencils or planking. Remember planking? Sadly I remember it more vividly than I remember sports, because sports has been gone for so long.

I do, however, remember that there used to be different kinds of sports. Baseball was one. Football was another. Basketball and hockey too! Fun names for fun games.

I remember people being obsessed with football, and rightfully so, it was legalize violence. No one ever thought football could be killed. Especially after surviving countless lawsuits over head injuries that messed some of its competitors up for life. The sport seemed too big to fail. It seemed invincible. Until a germ came around.

I remember baseball and how people always used to complain about it. They’d say it’s too long. It doesn’t get good ratings. There’s not enough flash or celebration. There’s too much flash or celebration. They never voiced these complaints about any other sport. I remember those people complaining about the game the same way I complain about broadway musicals. It doesn’t matter if they changed everything about them, I’m probably still not going to watch, just as they don’t even if they shortened games and added robots. Some people just like to complain. Baseball was at one time our country’s national past time. Now it’s marble racing.

Remember when hockey fans and basketball fans used to bicker about things? Hockey fans would rip on LeBron for getting cramps during the NBA Finals, and basketball fans would rip on hockey for not being able to find the Stanley Cup Final (is it on Versus or CNBC?). But the end of the day, we loved them both so much. Both hockey and basketball helped bridge the gap from football to baseball, and then eventually from football to football.

Is your memory starting to be jogged? Ah, jogging. A task that was required in most sports.

I’m telling you, these things were crazy. Thousands of people would get together to cheer and stuff. One time, I was at a baseball game and when a guy hit a ball far, I slapped hands with a man I never met before. Now I can’t even touch my own nana.

Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking, did I take sports for granted? When I opted to watch a rerun of Modern Family over a regular season Pacers-Timberwolves game, was I making a horrendous mistake? Should I have watched that Tuesday night MACtion game between Buffalo and Western Michigan? Hell, the things I’d do for a figure skating competition right now. That’s how low it’s gotten. I’m in the corner of my room, shaking, shivering, and scratching my neck.

There are some pros. Sorry, poor choice of words, because at this time, there are no pros. Hell, not even any amateurs. But there are some good things. For one, I have been doing something called “helping around the house” with things called “chores.” These good things, of course, are mainly good for my wife. Especially now that I’m not posted up watching TV for 11 straight hours every Saturday and Sunday.

They say the night is always darkest before the dawn, but where we’re at it feels like the sun hasn’t even gone down yet. Damn you, daylight savings time. It feels this baron desert of sports-less life may be larger than the Sahara, and even worse than the Matthew McConaughey movie Sahara.

There’s no telling if or when sports will come back, but I hope they do, so I can show you firsthand just how much fun they were.

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