A Deep Dive Into Those Spring Breakers Who Refuse To Let The Party Die

What a buzzkill.

Miami-Dade (and now most of Florida) is closing their beaches. Sad news. Especially for those college kids who went viral (on the Internet, but also coronavirus probably) the day before on this CBS News story.

Wow. There’s a lot to digest there. Not a lot digested there (outside of alcohol), but let’s try and take a deeper look here.

The only thing more predictable about this guy other than his flushed cheeks is the fact that his name is Brady. Of course this kids name Brady. Brady says, “If he gets corona, I get corona,” but what I think he thinks is, “If I get Corona, I get Corona… At the end of the day, I’m more of a Modelo guy, but I can slam a Corona if my bros give me one. Find your beach, amirite?!” Brady just wants a good time. You can tell because his hat is on backwards.

Even Brady’s cheeks think Brianna’s cheeks are flushed. Goodness. There is roughly 5 liters of blood in the human body, and all 5 of Briana’s liters have risen to the blood vessels in her face apparently. Poor Brianna. This whole thing is really messing with her spring break. I mean, she’s in her early 20’s. She will probably never be able to go on a vacation to the beach ever again.

There’s not a chance this guy’s real name is Atlantis, right? It has to be a name he just gave the poor news anchor tasked with interviewing him. If you take the name “Atlantis” and pair it with the fact that he’s wearing sunglasses, you have to assume he’s trying to hide his true identity – very poorly while being interviewed by national news – probably because he’s the drug dealer on the trip. You need zip-zaps, bing bangs, or marijuana? Hit up Atlantis.

Again, another girl who matches her name more perfectly than I could’ve imagined. Shelby is definitely down to clown whenever anyone texts. She’s probably the ex-girlfriend of 2/3rds of the guys on her school bus trip down to Miami.

This a classic Shelbs quote for anyone who knows her. She’s says this every Friday night while pregaming at home. Also, to her friend in the back… are chokers back in style? Where’d she get that from? Claire’s?

Ni just took a DNA test, turns out she’s 100% dat bitch and also 100% infected with coronavirus.

I couldn’t have scripted better – and more fitting – names for these kids. I mean, if we somehow land a Tanner, we’ve hit for the Greek Life Name cycle. Bryson is definitely one of the more inspiring and philosophical guys in his fraternity. He’s the one who always poses the questions that make his bro’s say, “whoaaaah.” Like when he points out the fact that barcode scanners actually scan the white space in between the black bars, or that the word ‘firefly’ is the opposite of ‘waterfall,’ or the fact that it’s so messed up how the nursery rhyme never once specified that Humpty Dumpty was an egg.

…or how when stuff closes, they’re going to do it when it closes. Pretty deep, huh?

Everyone do everyone else a favor. Please stay home. Especially you, Atlantis.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *