Stabbing Someone With A Bottle of Wine Should Be Against The Rules At Sam’s Club

First rule of Sam’s Club? You do not talk about Sam’s Club.

Think back to the moment this man signed up for his Sam’s Club membership. He’s probably thinking $45 for basic annual membership is a small price to pay for long term gain, because I’m going to save so much money, buy so many things in bulk, and who knows, maybe get stabbed with a bottle of wine over some bottled water.

Dammit, people. It’s bad enough coronavirus is wiping people out one at a time, we don’t need to speed the process along ourselves with help from some merlot.

I mean, some guy went full on Happy Gilmore in a Sam’s Club when the other guy probably meant settling it on a golf course.

Image result for happy gilmore beer bottle

And here he was leaving Sam’s Club in a freaking stretcher. Although, why didn’t the people at the door stop him to highlight his receipt before he left?

My only other question is what kind of bottle of water? Because if it was over a case of Ice Mountain or some of that Nestlé crap, then my man got stabbed for nothing, and the Cabernet Slayer needs to be sent to jail for life. People should only get stabbed by bottles of wine over SmartWater, Voss, Fiji, or I’d even accept Essential. But again, if it’s something like Great Value brand, give him 25-to-life and/or the electric chair.

And don’t come in her with your “what about Evian?” hot takes. You want an Evian hot take? Evian is hot garbage. Tap water thinks Evian is gross. I wouldn’t bathe my worst enemy in Evian. Don’t get me wrong. Great packaging, even better branding. But it’s lipstick on a freaking swine. Evian probably started coronavirus. Evian can’t even run with Aquafina or Dasani.

All this to say, in these trying times with no sports, no concerts, no nothing. Let’s try not kill each other with our Yellow Tail, ok?

Also, none of this would ever happen at a Costco.

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