HOLY TRINITY CHURCH — After an unprecedented move to ban fans from attending the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament due to the coronavirus outbreak, NCAA President Mark Emmert further announced that the Final Four will be hosted at your local church’s carpeted gym.
The men’s Final Four this year was originally scheduled to be held in Atlanta at Mercedes-Benz Stadium, but will now be moved to try and cut costs.
“If there aren’t going to be any fans there, what’s the point of having it at a giant stadium?” Emmert said. “Plus, we need that extra money to not pay our student athletes.”
This will mark the first time the NCAA Men’s Final Four was held in a church gym with a carpeted court. Officials from the NCAA said they are not worried about the event, especially after the commissioner of the CBI Tournament reached out and gave tips as to how they make it work every year.
The Final Four will take place as soon as tables are cleared out from the new members luncheon and will need to be finished in time for the youth group lock-in.
“I’m really hoping the Final Four doesn’t run late,” youth pastor Dylan Keith said while rubbing his goatee. “I have a lot of fun things planned for the kids this year, including a new game called Mushroom Bible Verse Wars.”
When asked if basketball is ever played on that court, Keith said, “Oh fiddlesticks, I didn’t even realize this carpet design made out a basketball court! Would ya look at that!”
Without anybody in attendance, the NCAA isn’t as worried about the spread of coronavirus as much as they are the spread of rugburn.
“It’s not everyday you have to worry about rugburn in basketball, but we’ll be certain to keep our players safe,” an NCAA spokesman said. “And to vacuum the court when we’re done.”