Kickoff NBA All-Star Weekend with Fergie’s National Anthem

It’s NBA All-Star Weekend as of today. Arguably one of the best All-Stars in all of professional sports. It’s without question top 4. Actually, top 3. Sorry, NFL.

So what better way to get into the spirit of the weekend than with the singing of our national anthem. And to help us with it, let’s revisit one of the all-time greats.

Somewhere Carl Lewis is saying, “Uh-oh!” Roseanne Barr is facepalming, and R. Kelly is squirming… in jail. Francis Scott Key did not die for this. But had he been alive to hear it, he probably would died because of this.

This is an 8-time Grammy winner and a multi-platinum recording artist sounding like she’s trying to sing underwater. This didn’t feel like it belonged at the NBA All-Star Game. It felt like it belonged in a smokey lounge of a jazz club and/or a 5th grade talent show.

A few quick notes:

  • she somehow managed to make the word “bombs” a three-syllable word (1:02)
  • the little hand dance she does at “through.. the… niiiiight” did not help the performance in the least (1:12)
  • Monica Seles was stabbed in the back during a tennis match and still never made a noise near as haunting as Fergie did before her final verse (1:22)
  • And then she caps it all off with a friendly, “Let’s play some basketball!” to try and mask whatever the hell it was she just did

Yes, Fergie, let’s.

I remember watching this live, not fully paying attention, and thinking, “Oh. Well. This sure is different.” But I didn’t initially think it was bad, mainly because I’m not musically gifted enough to determine someone is bad at singing. I’m the William Hung of Simon Cowell’s. So if a multi-platinum recording artist makes the decision to do this, I usually tend to assume it’s good. But just to make sure, I hopped on Twitter to see what the rest of America was thinking, and man oh man, Fergie went from the Black Eyed Peas to just a straight up black eye in the span of her 2 minute and 15 second rendition of the Star Spangled Banner… or at least I think that’s what she was singing.

I can’t imagine when Frankie Scott wrote the lyrics to the Star-Spangled Banner, he wrote “woaahoaohaooahahhhh seeyeyayyyayyy.”

Before I could scroll too deep into my Twitter timeline that night, I look up and see Draymond Green trying to hold back laughter like he just thought of something inappropriate at a funeral.

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Then you had Steph Curry not trying at all to hold back his laughter.

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These NBA guys very rarely break. Especially at the things they’re SUPPOSED to laugh at during NBA All-Star Weekend. Like Shaq dancing or Carrot Top making a cameo for some reason? So to see them losing it, in the middle of our nation’s anthem, told you right then what we were dealing with.

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A lot of people merely peg Anthony Anderson as solely a comedic actor, but the way he acted serious through the ripples in Ferg’s voice proves the man deserves a damn Oscar.

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Jimmy Kimmel doesn’t even smirk this big during his own show.

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And then there’s Chance who can’t help but go face to palm, thinking, “Yeah, Fergie and I definitely don’t do the same drugs no more.”

I feel bad for the people who were caught on camera, I feel worse for the people who had to hear that in-house live, and I feel the absolute worst for that poor microphone. Imagine being two-inches away from that quivering lip of Ferg’s.

The good news is Fergie and actor Josh Duhamel had already been separated for a couple of months prior, so it’s safe to say this performance did not lead to their impending divorce. Unless, of course, she practiced this from home months prior. In which case, I’d understand why Josh would move out.

Look, I love America as much as anyone, but even I have to laugh when things go off the rails. I’d

Enjoy NBA All-Star Weekend. Let’s play some basketball.

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