WEST PALM BEACH, FL — The Houston Astros held a press conference Thursday morning to express their sincerest apology for not doing a damn thing wrong.
Astros Owner Jim Crane opening statement, he said, “We’d like to take this time to apologize for not doing anything wrong. We acknowledge the fact that we did nothing, and we’re sorry. Maybe we should’ve done something wrong so then we could apologize for that too, but we didn’t. And we’re sorry.
“Like opposing team’s signs, we know how this looks,” Crane said. “And we are hoping to move forward, so if you guys could just forget what didn’t happen never happened, that would be splendid.”
Before Crane answered questions, he turned the mic over to Astros third baseman Alex Bregman and second baseman Jose Altuve.
“We… are… very…. sorry… beep beep boop,” Bregman said very robotically. “We… shouldn’t… have done… what… we… didn’t do. Boop.” Bregman did not answer questions, but mainly because smoke started coming out of his ears right before an Astros IT engineer quickly wheeled him away.
Five minutes later, Jose Altuve took the podium. The only reason it took so long for him to speak is because Astros officials needed to find something for him to stand on.
“I is so sorry for not doing anything wrong,” Altuve said. “We understand the repercussions of the actions and this whole thing is Yankees fault.” When asked by a reporter if he meant to say Astros instead of Yankees, Altuve responded, “No way, my name.”
Newly hired Astros manager Dusty Baker went through about 16 toothpicks over the course of the press conference. “Frankly, I’m not even entirely sure why I’m here,” Baker said. “I had nothing to do with this. Hell, I think my record speaks for itself. My managed teams CLEARLY never cheat.”
“Did you ever stop to think that maybe those signs deserved to be stolen?” a voice shouted from the back of the press conference. “Maybe those signs shouldn’t had been wearing what they were wearing!” The person shouting these remarks looked exactly like George Springer with a wig on.
“Look, we just want to move on from this whole thing,” Crane said. “We’ve been humbled, we’re remorseful, and now we’re ready to act smug all season.”
Crane, clearly not realizing what his team was accused of, finished his press conference saying, “Even though we didn’t do anything wrong, if people are upset with the signs we stole, we promise to put them all back where we found them.”